Our pastor always says, “A good rule does not over ride a free will.” I’ve always tried to keep that at the forefront of my mind….our kids have a free will, and sin nature! I equally reject “the formula.” Great piece, Heather! Once again, I love your writing!
There is a very long history in Evangelicalism of cultivating the belief among parents that, using the right techniques, they can programmatically produce a certain kind of child. This amounts to a denial of the very principle of moral agency and culpability. The idea that children can be conditioned by parental technique to produce specific outcomes is a rejection of everything the bible has to say about what it means to be human. Parenting is really an act of faithfulness - not an activity guaranteed to produce specific outcomes. (God's own kids in the garden of Eden didn't turn out so great, as it happened.) A parent simply cannot choose the cross for his child. The ideas that you are rightly pushing back against in this piece are not confined to the Vision Forum. Christian parents love their children, and desperately want a happy outcome for them, and I think Christian publishing leverages those fears to sell books. There is, after all, comfort in the illusion that parents can control the life choices of their children through the right application of parenting technique. And of course, this seems plausible right up until that moment a child unambiguously demonstrates that she has a will and, notwithstanding your good intentions, is not all that programmable. In 2020 I buried one of my children, and the years leading up to her death disabused me of the superstition that parenting technique can determine a child's choices. I have shared our story over several Substack posts, if it is something that interests you. Here's a link to the first post, which now includes links to all the ones that follow. https://keithlowery.substack.com/publish/post/137329715
I would love to hear more. I was homeschooled and Vision Forum was a big influence in my life. Oh, the judgement it created! Both my judgment of others, and my judgment of myself. Only recently have I really seen and accepted the major impact these formulaic teachings had on me. It’s bled into my parenting (although on the surface I rejected the teachings), and I’m paying the price with my teenager now.
I would like to hear more! I’m so struggling to figure out parenting over here. I have a lot of trauma/abuse from my past, then I moved in with my dad and stepmom. They were good parents but they had no idea what to do with me and it just made everything worse. So I was starting from ground zero trying to figure out parenting and I feel like my kids are too wild sometimes.
Great post! I read some books early in my parenting that seemed to have these guarantees and formulas, and they didn’t work for me either. This idea that if you trained them with spanking before age 3 to obey you then you would never have to spank again. Haha Not true! And so I gathered that conservative Christian homeschooling wouldn’t always produce saved and happy children either. But I have chosen to hold to strong convictions because I believe them the right thing to do. I do them to honor God, not to get an outcome. Some of my children may rebel, but I rebelled and I was raised in public school with almost no rules, the only two rules I had I broke. It’s a sin nature and unconverted heart that causes rebellion, not the environment and rules of the home. But if God sovereignly saves them then they will love Him and follow Him. It’s our job to obey Him with our parenting decisions and make sure they align with the Bible, and it’s His job to do the saving and work of sanctification
Our pastor always says, “A good rule does not over ride a free will.” I’ve always tried to keep that at the forefront of my mind….our kids have a free will, and sin nature! I equally reject “the formula.” Great piece, Heather! Once again, I love your writing!
There is a very long history in Evangelicalism of cultivating the belief among parents that, using the right techniques, they can programmatically produce a certain kind of child. This amounts to a denial of the very principle of moral agency and culpability. The idea that children can be conditioned by parental technique to produce specific outcomes is a rejection of everything the bible has to say about what it means to be human. Parenting is really an act of faithfulness - not an activity guaranteed to produce specific outcomes. (God's own kids in the garden of Eden didn't turn out so great, as it happened.) A parent simply cannot choose the cross for his child. The ideas that you are rightly pushing back against in this piece are not confined to the Vision Forum. Christian parents love their children, and desperately want a happy outcome for them, and I think Christian publishing leverages those fears to sell books. There is, after all, comfort in the illusion that parents can control the life choices of their children through the right application of parenting technique. And of course, this seems plausible right up until that moment a child unambiguously demonstrates that she has a will and, notwithstanding your good intentions, is not all that programmable. In 2020 I buried one of my children, and the years leading up to her death disabused me of the superstition that parenting technique can determine a child's choices. I have shared our story over several Substack posts, if it is something that interests you. Here's a link to the first post, which now includes links to all the ones that follow. https://keithlowery.substack.com/publish/post/137329715
I would love to hear more. I was homeschooled and Vision Forum was a big influence in my life. Oh, the judgement it created! Both my judgment of others, and my judgment of myself. Only recently have I really seen and accepted the major impact these formulaic teachings had on me. It’s bled into my parenting (although on the surface I rejected the teachings), and I’m paying the price with my teenager now.
I would like to hear more! I’m so struggling to figure out parenting over here. I have a lot of trauma/abuse from my past, then I moved in with my dad and stepmom. They were good parents but they had no idea what to do with me and it just made everything worse. So I was starting from ground zero trying to figure out parenting and I feel like my kids are too wild sometimes.
This post was right under your current post 10/11/24.
I would love to hear more as well. I was on the fringe of this as a new Christian and homeschooling mom.
I would like to hear more
Great post! I read some books early in my parenting that seemed to have these guarantees and formulas, and they didn’t work for me either. This idea that if you trained them with spanking before age 3 to obey you then you would never have to spank again. Haha Not true! And so I gathered that conservative Christian homeschooling wouldn’t always produce saved and happy children either. But I have chosen to hold to strong convictions because I believe them the right thing to do. I do them to honor God, not to get an outcome. Some of my children may rebel, but I rebelled and I was raised in public school with almost no rules, the only two rules I had I broke. It’s a sin nature and unconverted heart that causes rebellion, not the environment and rules of the home. But if God sovereignly saves them then they will love Him and follow Him. It’s our job to obey Him with our parenting decisions and make sure they align with the Bible, and it’s His job to do the saving and work of sanctification
I’ve never heard of Vision Forum but I’d love to know more about your parenting journey. I love your quilting circles on Instagram.
I would love to hear more. I didn’t know Vision Forum but my former church had a similar impact!