In Defense of Dads Being Dads

What if they were never meant to speak softly and enjoy craft time?

I find it odd that this needs to be said in 2025, when the whole world is hyper-focused on gender and roles, but you know that God created dads to be different than moms, right?

I know, I know. “Heather, this is ridiculous. Of course I know that dads are different than moms. I’m not buying what’s currently being sold, thankyouverymuch.”

Ok, but hear me out: Dads are different than moms. And it’s not just the obvious physical biology. And it’s not just their family roles. Dads are different than moms because they don’t act like them, and they shouldn’t.

Something fundamentally shifted in parenting. We are now all expected to be gentle at all times, no matter the circumstance. Society has been seeing the shift for decades and, just like myriad other little poisons seeped in to the church after it became normalized outside, this has become part of the expectation with which Christian parents must grapple as well. We are a people afraid of damaging the fragile egos, of shaping too harshly the unbridled wonder of the children placed in our care. And as such, mothers reign.

Mothers reign because we are most often created by God to be nurturers. We soothe and we encourage, we cultivate joy and we build up. Our voices are almost always softer, our words more delicate. We have within us the desire to shelter from all that is big and ugly, and we see that as our most important tool in protecting our children.

We have forgotten that God did not create fathers the same as mothers.

While the world has rushed to applaud the idea of gently coaxing through childhood, men have been shunted to the side. Their usual approach to childrearing is seen as too much, over the top, too harsh. God’s design for men almost always includes louder voices, more visible displays of anger or frustration, maybe even corrections that don’t end with hugs and laughter. And there’s just no space for that kind of rebuke in modern parenting. It will hurt the children, we’re told.

But what if only hearing quiet voices even in the face of clear disobedience hurts the children?

What if never seeing that you have, indeed, stepped over the line hurts the children?

What if not ever being told the raw truth, that your behavior was sinful and wrong and deserves punishment, hurts the children?

I’m not advocating for abuse. If you knew me personally, you’d know that I bear thin white scars along the backs of my thighs and buttocks from my mother’s switchings when I was a child. You’d know that I have sat through hours and hours of therapy to overcome the soundtrack of lies and accusations leveled at me. You’d know that I have sacrificed to be an advocate not just of my own children, but of foster kids, and of children in my community. I do not condone violence, I do not turn my eyes away from maltreatment.

But I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with a child fearing that his Daddy is coming home and will have a word or two to say about the fact that he gave a half-hearted effort at his chores, again, and opened his mouth towards his Momma with some sass that needs to be addressed.

Many Christian women would agree that we have emasculated men, that we have stripped away their roles as providers and protectors and instead handed them a counterfeit version, made them “guys.” We will wax poetic on how the world needs more strong men to stand up, to lead, to fight for God’s greater vision of what it is to serve in a uniquely masculine way.

And then, the second our husband raises his voice to our precious babies, we shriek that he’s doing it wrong, and that really, he ought to be more measured, more quiet, more like us.

We can’t see the disconnect. We can’t hear our hypocrisy. But oh, it’s there.

Boys and girls need dads who are a little scary sometimes. They need dads who loom larger than life. They need dads whose softer side is made all the more beautiful and precious by the awareness that they are restraining power. They need dads who don’t hand out praise easily. They need to walk through the process of seeing and feeling someone else’s anger, then coming to understand that that moment of broken relationship can be reconciled without causing a permanent rift. They need to long for mercy and experience the relief of grace. They need dads who balance out moms. Because that’s God’s design. He created dads differently than moms.

Think of this the next time your husband makes your 4 year-old son cry because he didn’t offer, “I see that you’re having a hard time being gentle. Use careful hands with the baby,” but instead boomed, “Hey! You’re being too rough!” Think of God, and how He loves and guides… and sometimes has to slap His people with Psalm 7:11, which says, “God is a righteous judge, and a God who feels indignation every day.” Think of how the world isn’t going to softly come alongside your son as a grown man every time he messes up and carefully tend to his feelings while offering guidance. Think of how you want to raise an adult who not only hears your encouragements in his mind as he goes about his days, but also has some well-earned and heeded wisdom ringing in his ears and keeping his course straight.

It’s not easy being a calm, gentle mother and standing by as those moments of stronger emotion play out. It’s tempting to jump in and steer things our way, back to the even ground we prefer, to say that raised voices or angry expressions are always wrong. But ladies, hear me out:

Unless you want to raise women who run to men too weak to weather life’s storms or cling to their faith when trouble comes knocking…

Unless you want to have sons in their 20’s stuck in a perpetual state of boyhood right there in your basement, unable to pick up the mantle of serving and protecting his own wife and children…

Unless you want to crush your husband’s relationship with his kids…

Let dads be dads. You be the mom.

There is a difference.

In Christ,

Heather