But What if They Don't Stay?

Your children were never meant to be tethered to you for life. You know that... but are you living it?

One of my favorite songs is called “Apron Strings.” You’ve likely never heard of it. It’s from the late 80’s, and it starts with this verse:

Apron strings, hanging empty crazy things
My body tells me, I want someone
To tie to my apron strings

The rest of the song continues in that vein. A woman is longing for a baby, and she can’t quite feel complete until she has someone that is well and truly hers.

And oh, that’s how it feels when you have your first baby, doesn’t it? I remember the breathless awe and utter unworthiness that I was blanketed in for months on end when I held my first newborn. She was mine. Mine! Such a blessing, such a gift.

And in truth, such a lie. Because our children do not belong to us.

We know this, and if confronted (especially in church) we would say it’s so. But the reality is also that when these souls entrusted to us start spreading their wings, our first impulse is to clip them quick and keep them close.

Now, before I get run out of town on a rail, let me say that there’s nothing wrong with living near your parents or being close to your mom or anything like that. If God has called your child to set up shop on your property and live there all the days of his or her life, then by all means, that’s how it should be.

But if God calls your children elsewhere, it is a sin to encourage them otherwise.

Stop and read that again.

If God calls your children elsewhere, it is a sin to encourage them otherwise.

This is the kind of thing a mother doesn’t want to hear. Oh, it’s the kind of thing she would happily live out herself. She will turn to anyone who challenges her choices and defend them, pointing out that the Lord calls us to leave and cleave in Genesis 2:24. But flip the example to the idea of her own children flying the nest to parts unknown and the conversation shifts from Biblical truths to desires of the heart.

Missionary Jim Elliot famously wrote, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." Jim wasn’t talking about parenting here, but he could have been. We cannot keep our children, and the very best thing we can do, from the beginning, is to prepare all parties to gain something bigger— a place in the greater economy of God.

This starts young, when your children are still in your arms, Momma. The lens through which you view your babies will never fully be able to take into account the fact that the Lord planned good works for them in advance (Ephesians 2:8-10) You will never let go of that pull to keep them close and safe, especially not when they are soft and still coming to you for every need. But adjusting your eyes to allow for the truth that God created this person for a time and a place in His Kingdom will make the next few years— and your whole lifetime together— that much easier.

And then, oh… those growing years. This is where your words plant seeds. So often we as mothers draw our children’s eyes and hearts only to the people and places closest to us. We forget the power we’re given to set before our children a banquet of God’s creation, to impress upon their hearts the lost, the invite them to be citizens of heaven inhabiting a wide earth and not just church goers saluting a single flag. Speaking to your children of the many ways God uses His people, reading aloud missionary biographies, pointing out how different occupations can be used to serve, giving permission to ask big questions of faith… all of this is groundwork for your child’s flight from the nest.

I’m not saying it’s not hard. You’re going to be tempted to insulate, to cultivate that sweet little home that fills your heart. And yes, you can do that! You can craft a cozy retreat from the world— but you must also remind your children that though a safe dock awaits, the ship must go out about the work of the harbormaster. It’s not enough to stay moored in safe waters. With shockingly few exceptions, every Christian child was created for the high seas.

In the older teen years, your child will most likely yearn for independence, and you will have to balance that straining for any slack in the leash with the good and right, measured freedoms that allow him or her to grow into who they should be in Christ. Because just around the corner is adulthood. And oh, adulthood. Friends, this is where all that came before pales in comparison. This is where you remove your hands from the wheel and let the Holy Spirit do His job.

This is where you let go.

And maybe God will lead your son to live up the road and run a little engine shop and come by with his wife and kids every Sunday. Or maybe He will pull that boy to a continent you’ve never visited, and you will know your grandchildren mostly via FaceTime. Maybe your daughter will be close enough to ask you to homeschool her kids in nature journaling, because she knows it’s your specialty and also, she is pregnant again and can use a twice weekly nap in her old bedroom. Or maybe the Lord calls her six states away where she meets her future husband and lives from then on.

You don’t know and you can’t say because you’re not their Holy Spirit. But you are their mother, and you can make this easier for everyone. You can trust God. You can hold your tongue if you feel any thoughts not anchored in Scripture threatening to spill out. You can pray for the Lord to use you to come alongside your child in encouragement. And you can rejoice—

Because they were never meant to be tied to your apron strings. They were always meant to serve God, not you. They were created for a purpose far larger than gathering at your table, or being present for holidays. You have been given the privilege of nurturing an eternal soul. May you feel the weight of that, and be prepared to encourage whatever path the Lord has called them to.

In Christ,

Heather