There is a lot of talk about “toxic shame” — which is a part of trauma. But it’s interesting, because that refers to false shame, when you haven’t done anything wrong. But we seem to have lost the idea of actual shame — when there is a reason to be ashamed! I have to wonder if much of this is because we’ve also lost the concept of absolute truth. If nothing is wrong, then we’re not allowed to feel ashamed of it. We are in the process of joining the Catholic Church, and our discussion last night was on Confession. Someone mentioned that one of the formative effects of Confession being required for taking Communion is that it has stopped him from sinning because he doesn’t want to have to go to Confession. There are requirements of acknowledging your sin. Whether you agree or disagree with the theology, it hits on a fundamental part of human nature that shame can be formative, but like you say, only if it actually involves contrition.
In the many ways that I have found shame to be a limiting factor in my own life, it's also been a huge motivator as I've grown and moved towards making better choices than when I was a younger woman. A deep seated feeling of "How is my mom going to react when I tell her this?" has led me on some wild rides, mostly for the good! It has kept me, too, out of the strip joints, from heading too far into drug addiction, and from being a much "skankier" young woman than I was ( and believe me, there exists lots of shame from my life before Christ)
That said, it took my family a year of going to church to work up the courage to tell her we do that. And if we decide to be open to baby number 3, that's another big one with her. Such a complex woman, jumpropes to jump in relating....but I'd hate to know what my life COULD have been without a touch of shame on my shoulders, and I certainly don't hold it against her.
There is a lot of talk about “toxic shame” — which is a part of trauma. But it’s interesting, because that refers to false shame, when you haven’t done anything wrong. But we seem to have lost the idea of actual shame — when there is a reason to be ashamed! I have to wonder if much of this is because we’ve also lost the concept of absolute truth. If nothing is wrong, then we’re not allowed to feel ashamed of it. We are in the process of joining the Catholic Church, and our discussion last night was on Confession. Someone mentioned that one of the formative effects of Confession being required for taking Communion is that it has stopped him from sinning because he doesn’t want to have to go to Confession. There are requirements of acknowledging your sin. Whether you agree or disagree with the theology, it hits on a fundamental part of human nature that shame can be formative, but like you say, only if it actually involves contrition.
I absolutely see the loss of Truth with a capital T as being the root!
My mom always told me, “if you feel like you need to hide what you’re doing, you probably shouldn’t be doing it!”
This, EXACTLY. Scripture tells us that darkness tries to hide. (Psalm 139:12)
Unfortunately, plenty of people parade that darkness around at this point.
Thank you for writing this piece, which goes against so much that we hear today.
"But looking back, I’m so, so thankful that something stopped me. And if that something had to be shame, well… bring it on."
one of my favorite writings from you my heart needed this today. thank you
Thank you for writing this!
In the many ways that I have found shame to be a limiting factor in my own life, it's also been a huge motivator as I've grown and moved towards making better choices than when I was a younger woman. A deep seated feeling of "How is my mom going to react when I tell her this?" has led me on some wild rides, mostly for the good! It has kept me, too, out of the strip joints, from heading too far into drug addiction, and from being a much "skankier" young woman than I was ( and believe me, there exists lots of shame from my life before Christ)
That said, it took my family a year of going to church to work up the courage to tell her we do that. And if we decide to be open to baby number 3, that's another big one with her. Such a complex woman, jumpropes to jump in relating....but I'd hate to know what my life COULD have been without a touch of shame on my shoulders, and I certainly don't hold it against her.
This is such a deeply needed reminder and truth!!!!! Thank you!