What I've Learned During My Frequent Solo Stints
My husband is gone 120 days a year. Let me tell you what I don't do...
Funny thing about headcovering— you rarely get a good look at the top of your head! The other day, I snapped a selfie for my husband and realized for the first time how very grey my hair has become. I commented on it in the text (“How do you think this happened? LOL”) and he quickly shot back: “It’s my travel schedule. You solo parent at least 15 weeks out of the year!”
He’s right. An average training trip is 24 days. He generally makes 5 of those a year (2 in the spring, 3 in the fall), plus the odd jaunts that pop up as others have need of his skills. At minimum, that’s 120 days of managing the kids, the farm, and the house without in-house back-up. I’m not saying it’s the cause of my grey hair, but I’m not saying it helps, either.
My husband is due to leave for Nepal in a handful of days, and I’ll be back to my role of Executive Director of All the Things. It comes naturally at this point (bonus of frequency, I assume) but it wasn’t always this way. Even before we went into full-time ministry, my husband’s career choices generally required some travel, and I found myself at home alone with kids—though not farm animals— from the beginning of our marriage.
Back in those days, it was a lot more stressful. Part of it was because it was just me and littles. But a huge chunk of the difficulty had to do with how I handled the absence. Since I’m now a semi-pro (military wives are the real professionals here!), I’ve got a few tips for those of you who might be staring down a long stint of being the sole caregiver at home:
It’s tempting to stay up late. Don’t do it. I know it’s the only time you can do something that fills your cup, but making it a habit night after night leaves you exhausted. Unless you can actually nap during the day, you’re going to end up burned out and snippy, which creates a cycle of needing extra time to yourself. It’s not worth it.
Make the first night without Daddy special. It’s a tradition in our house to have what we fondly call “Frozen Food Fiesta” the night Daddy leaves. This is literally store-bought frozen foods that we never eat any other time, served up on paper plates in the living room floor in front of a favorite all-ages family movie. It’s a great kick-off and makes that first night of just Momma at bedtime easier to swallow.
If you have kids with special needs, keep as much routine as he or she needs. You have more leeway with neurotypical kids, but trust me— don’t make too much “fun” for kids who need structure unless you’re ready to handle the fall out.
Schedule in play dates. Even if you’re an introvert, like me, having a day a week when you know you’re going to sit down with another adult is necessary and good.
Plan theme days. I don’t do these as regularly as I used to because frankly, my husband is gone too often! But I still keep this trick in my back pocket for trips that seem to drag on forever. Declare a day Backwards Day, or Talk in Pig Latin Day, or whatever floats your kiddos’ boats. Add little flairs of the theme throughout the day to pick up those frowny faces.
Say yes. At least a couple of times each trip, my kids will ask to have a slumber party night (where they all sleep in one room), or do their school in their hammocks, or something else novel. I try to say yes as often as I can. They’re missing Daddy, too!
Set aside something for yourself. A couple of books you’ve been thinking of reading. A sewing project. A zoom game night with friends. Give yourself a distraction you’ll enjoy!
Write daily emails to your husband. Even if he can’t access them until he’s home, even if he’s only a text away the whole time… a chatty email lets you “talk” to him, makes him feel like he’s missed, and might just build a little anticipation for a spicy reunion.
Ask for support even if you don’t need actual help. If friends offer a meal to make your load easier, if someone wants to host some of your kids at their house, if you know a neighbor doesn’t mind adding your butter to their grocery pick up… embrace it. You don’t have to be in dire straits before you accept the lovingkindness of friends.
Don’t downplay your own need for prayer. This one is huge. Have a prayer buddy you check in with each morning, and lay out your prayer needs for the day. If something—anything— comes up, shoot her a text. This is not the time to go Lone Wolf!
I’m grateful our family has the chance to serve in ministry, even if it means frequently being apart. If you think of us over the next few weeks, please pray for my husband’s travels, and our safety and health here at home!
In Christ,
Heather