The Connected Family

Here's my secret to why my married, adult kids still want to visit home.

A little over a year ago, I was taken by ambulance to the ER with symptoms of a stroke. It turned out to be a migraine (zero stars, do not recommend), but in the first hour, when the question of whether or not this was a lifechanging moment hung in the air, my husband sent news to our married, adult kids:

Something’s wrong with Momma. She’s on her way to the hospital. Everything is ok here, just keeping you in the loop. I’ll fill you in as soon as I know more.

By the time I was settled into the MRI they had waiting for me when I arrived and my husband had a second to update with a follow-up text, my kids and their spouses were on the way.

From different directions, two hours away, they came. Classes cancelled, shifts called out, they were all on the road within fifteen minutes of hearing the news.

History repeated itself earlier this month, when my husband was in Nepal and Simon, our 10 year-old son, was hospitalized. A single phone call started a chain and before we were even admitted and placed in a room, I had three, three capable childcare corrdinators, cooks, and entertainment officers on duty to keep the ship afloat.

I can’t even get my college-age son to tell me whether or not he’s coming home for Thanksgiving, mothers tell me.

My daughter has zero interest in joining in with our family now that she’s married, another says.

How do you get your kids to help out? I’m asked.

The answer is: I don’t.

I don’t tell my adult kids what holidays they’re expected to show up for, how many times a month they have to visit, or anything else. There’s no legislating involvement here, no score kept, no required attendance. I don’t have to.

My family is connected.

Obviously, the degree of connectedness depends on the individual. And some personalities are, by design, less inclined to be part of things as they develop their own family rhythms. But when push comes to shove, my kids show up. And when we throw out group invites, they want to be here. The bonds of connection are strong, and that didn’t just happen overnight, and it didn’t happen by accident.

When we finally woke up to the reality that the season of raising kids was short, but the lifetime we could spend together was much longer, we became purposeful in cultivating a family culture. I wrote about it on my blog eons ago. All of the kids were still home then, so I was really still living in the age of supposing that A+B=C in terms of tying our hearts together long term.

But now I know. I’ve lived through two crisis moments that illustrated that building connections early matters, not to mention a ton of day-to-day moments in between that have only happened because our relationships are strong. All I can say to you if you’re still in the stage where all of your chicks roost in your own coop at night is this:

Take the time. Make the memories. Cultivate an Us. Grow together. Connect. You will reap lifelong returns, friend.

In Christ,

Heather

P.S.— If you’re looking for practical steps to take to build your own family’s sense of connection, I encourage you to check out The Connected Family Bundle. Built around the idea that a connected family is more important than ever in this current season of social upheaval, this bundle features resources that will help you be intentional in cultivating the kind of environment that launches kids who remember their roots even as they grow their own branches! I contributed two resources to this collection, including what I call The Connect Deck, a set of printable cards designed to start the kind of conversations that take what might seem like surface level interactions and dig deep! This bundle opens Monday, with a special introductory price for the first 24 hours. Click over to The Connected Family Bundle to grab a free resource and get put on the waitlist!