On Suitcases, PG-13 movies, and Parenting
It's a good day when you get to quote Corrie ten Boom!
I had an excellent question during my last Quilting Circle chat. A mother whose young teen was gunning for a cell phone of his own shared her heart. She was sure he wasn’t ready for the responsibility or burden of a cell phone. But his older sister had been at his age, and had been given one to use. Was it ok to tell her son no?
My response? Absolutely. Tell him no. Give him a firm outline of what he needs to display in terms of maturity and responsibility. Make that the threshold, not a physical age.
But won’t he potentially hold that against me later? His sister getting something he didn’t? she asked.
He very well might, was my reply. Certain personalities are always going to lean towards what they feel they were denied rather than seeing a larger story. Maybe by the time he’s an adult, he’ll see your why. But chances are he won’t.
And you should parent as the Holy Spirit leads anyhow.
I am a very, very big advocate of building relationship with your children. I think it’s imperative that we establish a respect, love, and courtesy based in real communication. God willing, you will spend many more years with your children living their own lives outside your four walls than you will spend with them safely in your nest. Investing in what’s to come is simply wise.
But…
Never, ever make parenting choices based on fears of negative feelings in the future. Not if you know the Holy Spirit is leading you elsewhere. You will regret it. Trust me.
I say this as a humbled mom who struggled with holding the line with one of my own. This particular child was persuasive, but I can’t blame him. It all falls on me. When an older sibling was ready to stay up later and this one whimpered that going to bed alone was unsettling, I caved. When a PG-13 movie was appropriate for the one above in birth order, this one argued that the plot might be spoiled by the time he was ready, and I gave in. When we moved to a town where a small group of Christian, homeschooled high schoolers gathered every Friday night in different a family’s home and he protested that he didn’t have any friends so why couldn’t he be with the older kids, I relented.
And I regret it. I regret all of it.
Corrie ten Boom famously shared the analogy her father offered of a suitcase being too heavy for her current strength. Her father urged her to allow him to carry the load until she was ready. I love this illustration because truly, it sums up this truth:
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34
This is where I should have been directing my gaze when my child approached me to ask for more privileges. Instead of being concerned that eventually I’d be painted as the mean mom who didn’t understand what it was to be a teen, I should have rested in the fact that tomorrow had enough worries of its own. The Holy Spirit was nudging me to keep that child in the season he needed to be in, to continue to develop character and build the armor that would make him a stronger, more godly man. But I didn’t have the strength, and ultimately, there was a cost.
The cost, in my case, was that said child still saw only the times I had said no. Those uncomfortable yeses I had handed out with no peace were forgotten nearly as soon as they left my mouth, and another request was issued. Entitlement became the name of the game, and try as I might, I could not steer that train back into the station.
As you might have guessed, this child is now grown and flown. I feel confident saying that we have a good relationship in these adult years, but I also know that some of the battles this child had to wage against his own expectations and flesh were compounded by my weak parenting in his teen years. Imagine: what I thought I was doing to help ended up hurting. Talk about humbling, friends.
My advice? Pray long and hard. Pray endlessly. Ask the Lord to lead, and then… FOLLOW HIM. Not your heart (Jeremiah 17:9), not your friends or an IG influencer (Psalm 118:8-9). Follow the Lord. He is the greatest parenting expert, and He is the Father of all!
In Christ,
Heather