If there's no formula, then how do we parent?
Your child has free will. But Jesus seeks lost coins.
One of my dearest friends is a great mom. I’ve learned so much from her over the years watching her disciple her children. She’s a strong believer, her home is a place where the Gospel is lived out, and her words speak life over everyone she meets. Is she perfect? Of course not. But she acknowledges that, and her humility and love are the hallmarks of everything she does.
My friend has six children, all stairsteps right around 18 months apart. These kids were raised by two of the most gentle, loving, and understanding parents I’ve ever seen. They were raised in the Word, in the church, and in a home that gave them a firm foundation.
And yet one of them reached adulthood, rejected it all, and has since become an adult film actor.
Someone sitting on the outside might hear that and think, “Clearly, there’s something wrong at the heart of that family.” Someone else might say, “Well, what do you expect? The pressure to be perfect drove that kid to rebel.” Someone else might read it as a cautionary tale and shelter their kids even more in the hopes of not repeating some invisible but obvious mistake.
But Jesus? He walks with my friend every day and says, “I love you. I love your child. And this is what free will looks like.”
We do not want to be the parent of the prodigal. And yet… free will.
In our desperation to avoid “losing” our kids, we rush towards formulas. But works- based parenting was never destined to be the salvation of our kids any more than it was our salvation.
Even those parents who have rejected formulas and instead preached grace and mercy at the heart of their home have kids who fall off the rails.
So what’s the point? Do we simply let our children indulge in their own sins, give up on guiding their character, and follow the worldly model of hoping they become “good people”? Hardly.
Instead, we are to parent with the knowledge that we are the sowers of seeds. We are offering the foundations of righteousness as we ourselves have received them through the saving grace of the Cross. We are to awaken every morning ready to live out the command God gave to His people in Deuteronomy 6:4-9:
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
And then, we trust the Lord with the precious blessings He has allowed us to shepherd but never intended us to keep. We allow them to go forth into the world and pray, daily, moment by moment, that they choose Him as they walk by the way. We groan through the Holy Spirit to see fruit from our years of labor. And we praise God for His promise of seeking the lost sheep, should that be the path our child takes.
My friend’s child has gone to an extreme no mother wants to imagine. But despite the hurt, she has hope. She trusts that though the locusts are attempting to devour her child, even this can be redeemed. And guess what? She hasn’t changed how she parents her kids still at home. She knows that her faithfulness is not measured by her child’s choices. She prays for that child, she cries daily… but she is not broken.
In Christ,
Heather